I'm still awake. It's 1.40am. I have no reason to be. Hubby is fast asleep, I've already gone in and fed Xander, the house is still and all is quiet. Except my mind won't switch off. My thoughts are loud, my thoughts are shouting and I'm just so angry. So angry and heartbroken that there's a mummy out there who is having to come to terms with the most tragic experience. The sudden loss of her 9 month old beautiful girl.
I've never actually met this mummy, yet I speak most days with her on twitter. I speak to her more often sometimes to friends I see in the flesh. We was pregnant around the same time, she gave me some wonderful advice approaching my pregnancy and post pregnancy. When the beautiful Matilda Mae was born I was so excited to congratulate her for creating something so simply perfect and I even accepted that this beautiful girl was the deserving winner of the mamascarf baby competition that Xander did so well in.
Last night this mummy and daddy did nothing different to any other night. Bedtime routine no different than usual. But sadly when they went to check on her a few hours later she had passed away. Now it's clear from her messages on Twitter she is looking to blame herself. She mustn't. I'm sure it's easy as a distant outsider to say that but I hope she reads this and realises what she did that evening was a similar routine to most of us mummies. It could easily have been anyone's baby. And i'm so sorry it was yours. If you read her blog you can instantly see what a fantastic, loving and responsible mother she is. Matilda Mae was very blessed to have such a wonderful caring mummy. I can safely say that. 100%.
Tonight has made me reflect. To truly realise how blessed we are to have our Xander in our lives. I love the bones of our little man but until today I really did not appreciate the significance or magnitude of that love. I orbit around him. Everything I do is governed by him and nearly always for him. I have no idea how I would ever cope without him. So tonight i took my time to put him to bed, i let him fall asleep in my arms, i held him until my arm ached and then I kissed him goodnight and popped him in his cot.
I can't sleep tonight. So instead my thoughts are with the simply gorgeous smiley angel Matilda Mae and her family. May you rest in peace sweetheart. Xxxxxxx